Trials

I haven't posted since about this time last year.  I'm not sure what kept me from keeping up, but I've been wondering if this is what my brain needs.  Some place to purge my thoughts, my feelings & my frustrations.  The frustrations have been plaguing my mind lately & it's becoming somewhat depressing. I don't know why I just can't shake this shit off.  Perhaps it's the word "disappointment" that keeps replaying in my head.  Whether it's my mil's disappointment in me, in us (me & m) or that it's the disappointment that i now feel with her.

Disappointment is not a nice feeling what so ever.
   "the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations"

I'm still bothered that i don't know exactly what it is that she was disappointed in.
  *That we left the kids while we went to Hawaii for 2 weeks
  *That my house wasn't up to her or my sister inlaws cleanliness standards
  *That my fridge & freezer wasn't empty
  *That i had forgotten to clean 2 pots on the stove
  *That i had clean dishes that were not put away
  *That i have paint stains on my dining room table
  *That my kids have a massive amount of things in their rooms
  *That my garage is full of clutter & boxes
  *That my craft room/laundry room had some left over dirty clothes left

I just don't know what it was & i'm still beating myself up over ALL of it.

How's about this for disappointment?
   I'm disappointed that I never had ANY help in preparing for our trip.
     Cleaning the house (obviously not to my inlaws standards)
     Packing for 3 of us to go on a trip
     Attending registration for HS, Attending orientations, parent/teacher conferences, welcome back bbqs & new kindergarten students.
     Preparing paperwork & registration forms
     Taking kids to check ups so they can attend school, play sports & keep up on immunizations
     Preparing finances for our trip, for our kids who were being left here & when we came back from our trip
   
And then, of all things, disappointment that so much shit happened in the first 18 hours of our trip that M had to come home. Finding out that after 14 months of living in this house, that I've been paying the WRONG amount for rent AND that i have to find this out when i'm not even in the same damn state & on supposed vacation.

What the fuck?!

 Disappointed that my kids now seem to think they don't need to do any chores.  Disappointed that I no longer feel that I can rely on my inlaws.  Disappointed that I no longer care to share my life & my love of hula with them.  Disappointed that I no longer care to involve them in my kids hula shows or performances.

And the best thing that came of my fucked few weeks? I suddenly have a husband who helps.  Helps take the kids to/from school, helps clean the house, helps with the baby.  Its fucking creepy.  And then when I ask what happened while I was gone....he says he doesn't know. When I asked again "well i had to take the kids to/from school & clean the house by myself" & when i asked if it was hard, he said "nope, it was easy.  you can work & i'll stay home."

Again disappointment.  This time bc it was like i don't do anything that's difficult. I thought he was going to say something like "he takes me for granted" or something similar.  But instead, it's a response like i'm just bad at what i do & can't seem to figure it out as good as he can.

What the fuck ever.